Operation Pitbull Putdown

Post: Intercepted by Special Operative “Lipstick” inside the DNC
Advice: Place tongue firmly in cheek before reading
Caution: May contain parody, those suffering from BDS or the early symptoms of PDS (Palin Derangement Syndrome) are advised to read with caution. Close captioned for the humor impaired. Do not blog while under the influence of alcohol, drugs, Democratic talking points, or other mind-affecting substances.

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From: H.Reid
To: (dem.candidates)(media.slaves)(sane.bloggers)(insane.bloggers)(kos.drones)
RE: Operation Pit Bull Putdown

Dear friends, colleagues, and associated nutball bloggers:

Operation Pit Bull Putdown has been running pretty well in the last week. Over a hundred rumors generated and still no end in sight, good work! Since that old geezer announced he was putting a skirt on the ticket, it threw our carefully produced and expensive collection of ads and scandal for the Mormon and the New York philanderer (not Bill) into the trash and we had to start off fresh. And what a good job you all did in such a short time. Over a hundred of the best and juiciest rumors and scandals all produced at the spur of the moment and disseminated to all of our editors worldwide, flooding all the papers and important internet pages. Good job!

But we must not become complacent. Some of the items you have come up with are pathetic, I mean trying to show her disabled baby actually belonged to her daughter? Get real! Not even a complete idiot over on KOS would buy that one. Next time you come up with a story like this, run it by a 5th grader to see if they break out laughing. If they do, it needs work.

Even now, that puffy old geezer and his tart are touring the country to huge crowds, even bigger than The Chosen One, collecting money like Al Gore collects calories. This Must Be Stopped! We need time for the dirt-diggers Investigative Reporters to complete their work in the seedy bars and dives of that frost-bitten hellhole of Alaska. We need money for them to buy drinks for the drunken natives, we need money to purchase the best forgeries possible, to buy Photoshop for our legions of photo-editors we hired from some middle-eastern country, to buy the expensive meals that our news anchors and editors need while covering this story. And most of all, we need more stories.

So get out there and get back to work, this ain’t over yet. Turn over more rocks, dig deeply into the sewer, grab hold of some mud and throw! Is Bristol’s new husband-to-be registered with the draft? Do they owe taxes anywhere? That cute little Muppet that she has following her around, give her some candy and ask some questions like “Aren’t you supposed to be in school” or “If you’re bad, do you get punished?” If she doesn’t say what you want her to say, make something up. Or find some little twerp who sounds a little like her and get her to say some embarrassing things on tape. Come on people, work with me here! If we do not step up to the collection plate and start filling it up to the brim, people will start to ask questions about our policy in Iraq and taxation and that dammed drilling, we just can not afford that at this time. Just remember the primary rules, if it’s too good to be true, print it. If they say something bad about a Republican, headline it. If your source does not want their name used, they must be really important and do not need verified.

For crying out loud, if we wanted a woman in the White House, we would have sent Hillary back.

Palin Delendo Est!
H. Reid

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Hopefully Agent Lipstick will be able to get more internal memos like this in the future.

Until then, here is the list of things I’m expecting the Dems to try next:

- Getting Piper/Willow/Bristol Palin in a corner and questioning her with intent of distorting/misquoting for dirt. I do not think they will go as far as to pretend to interview Trig.
- Announce that Piper was spanked once, and this only shows how unfit a mother she is and her support for torture, murder and death from Republican hit squads.
- Insinuating that Track will get/has gotten preferential treatment in the Army, complete with a half-dozen well-armed bodyguards (that we would call “the rest of his platoon”).
- Announcing that they have telepathic proof that Sarah planned on aborting their son Trig, but only decided to keep him when she thought of her Presidential career.
- “Finding” out that Bristol’s fiancé Levi has some horrid secret in his closet, too horrible to mention. (“You must face the peril! No, it’s too perilous!”)
- Having some child welfare agent of great reputation announce that Trig’s Down Syndrome is a direct result of (insert behavior here) of her mother, taken foolishly without regard to the baby, and how can we have a VP who would endanger a child that way?
- Claim that the Palin pick was a desperate last-gasp resort of a dying man who knows he will die on the campaign trail or while being sworn in or while climbing the steps to the White House or in office and picked her just to annoy the Republican party, and besides she does not have the critical Community Organizer qualification that real Presidential Candidates have so why even consider her when there is a much better candidate available? (Oh wait, they did that one already)

It's going to be a muddy campaign season, looks like we are going to get 'Change' no matter who gets elected. Policy changes from President McCain, or loose change from President Obama.

Update 9/22/08: I did not realize how close to the mark I was with this parody. Take a look at the Jawa Report where they show a professional PR firm behind a number of the Palin slimes as of late.
Update 9/23/08: Charles Martin has a good list of already debunked Palin smears, some of which are just gut-busting funny how somebody could fall for them. Even aliens.