Stock Targeted Financial Unification Plan

A careful observation of the stock market oscillations over the past few months has revealed a disturbing trend that we hope to change with this new plan. It seems that whenever President Obama, or his treasury secretary, or certain members of his staff and Congress get onto the news and begin speaking of some new stimulus for the economy, the stock market goes into a free-fall that sometimes lasts a day or two past the initial speech. Then some other Democratic member goes on television, and the whole cycle starts over again.

To eliminate this death-spiral which threatens to reduce the stock market to single-digits with the Obama administration timeframe, we have a simple plan that we call the Stock Targeted Financial Unification plan. In brief, what we propose is to take President Obama and a crack team of his economic advisors and congresspeople, everybody from Treasury Sec. Geitner to Sen. Reid and Rep. Pelosi, and all Democrats that have served more than a month in an administrative position at Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, and sequester the whole economic team in a secure location to hammer out a stimulus package that will bring back the stock market. The most secure location we have found is the White House bunker, a Cold War era construction stocked with a six month supply of MRE’s and toilet paper once protected presidents from the threat of nuclear annihilation, now can be used to protect the country from financial annihilation. Once the strategic team is locked into this electronically secure bunker, and a member of the Secret Service takes a bolt cutters to the hardwired internet and phone lines, and Vice President Biden receives a Botox injection into the tongue, a redundant protection mechanism to prevent him from saying anything coherent to spook the markets, the country will settle down for a six-month period of tense calm. With no panicky nightly announcements to upset worldwide financial investments, the market should more than make up the over two thousand point drop it has experienced since President Obama’s election.

At the end of six months, Ben Bernanke will descend into the depths of the White House to ceremonially break the seal on the bunker, and lead the inhabitants back out into the sunlight for a three-day rest and conjugal visit break. In the event the markets react positively to this plan, the whole project can then be replayed for another six months, needing only a few crates of MRE’s and toilet paper (or the past 6 months of the New York Times, which can serve double duty) to restock the bunker, and a few days to lasso and corral the planning team back into the bunker. Even if by some miracle an economic plan is produced by the team, it will be over six months out of date and can be updated during the next six-month cycle in the bunker. If handled correctly and repeated for eight years, President Obama would not even have to campaign for an easy re-election, and could go down as the most successful two-term president in US history.

Despite security precautions, details of this plan appear to have leaked out. Former President Clinton has been seen delivering a set of pink luggage to the White House with instructions to “hold it until needed”, Speaker Pelosi has been caught stashing a Gameboy and box of batteries in the bunker, and the recent announcements made by Vice President Biden make us suspect the Botox tongue injection has already been completed ahead of schedule. If true, we anticipate the implementation of the STFU plan is imminent, and the sooner the better.

Signed:
Everybody With Stock Investments

h/t Various posters at National Review and Opinion Journal