Monday, May 15, 2006

How To Post Like a Liberal

Recently I’ve become appalled at the poor quality of Liberal posts at my favorite web sites. (You know who you are) Therefore I have decided to provide a posting guide for Liberals who would like some assistance with their poor quality posting. Admittedly this probably won’t help, due to the resistance of most Web Liberals to acquiring knowledge in any form, but I feel it is necessary to make the attempt. Notice I did not use the word “Education”, which means something else to them, involving Unions, Quotas, Diversity, and Acceptance, but very little new knowledge.

Verbage of Indeterminate Origin
Never quote facts if you can help it. Facts can come back and bite you. Stick with opinions, inference, and quotes from friendly sites. Don’t worry about being consistent with previous posts. You always can say you’ve “grown”. Or claim you’re being stalked. Use big words, the bigger the better, even if you don’t know what they mean. Grammatical errors and misspellings are fine, people will bitch about your words and you can feel superior about how they missed your idea. If you feel you have to quote a source, use Progressive websites such as the Daily KOS, Democratunderground, The Guardian, and the BBC. Why the BBC? Fox New’s London bureau chief Scott Norvell wrote in the Wall Street Journal Europe: "…Mr. Aitken, a 25-year veteran reporter now retired, has put his finger on it: institutionalized leftism. The BBC's world is one in which America is always wrong, George W. Bush is a knuckle-dragging simpleton, people of faith are frightening ignoramuses, and capitalism is a rot on the fabric of social justice. Through this prism, the United Nations is the world's supreme moral authority, multiculturalism is always a force for good, war is never warranted, and U.S. Republicans sprinkle Third World children over their Cheerios for breakfast."

Words, not Deeds (Thanks to Squawpeak)
It is not the action that defines a good Liberal idea, it is the idea itself. As a Liberal, all you have to do is state your desires, and you have instantly fixed the problem. Any Conservative idea must be immediately disparaged as being unrealistic if it has not been tried yet, failing if it is being used, and an obsolete idea worthy of dinosaurs if it was tried before and worked. Be obscure. “We need to truly understand the problem of poverty in the Third World, and how to alleviate it. This only shows the pressing need for Universal Health Care, to assist the poor and elderly with their pressing needs. The nation’s poor women are being denied a basic health service when told they have no right to choose.” Never point out a problem without putting the blame on somebody else, preferably somebody Republican, rich or white (bonus points for all three).

First thing, no matter what the topic you are commenting on, you should complain about how the Repuglicans smear, lie and distort. Use profanity. Call them names (see “Special” words). Then smear, smear, smear, lie and distort. When they squeal back, call them more names and complain about how they have lowered the tone of social discourse. Its all their fault, if they weren’t such (fill in insult here), people wouldn’t hate them so much.

Strawman Attacks.
Claim that the Repubs are meaning something other than what they said (make it extreme), and mock it. If Repubs want tax cuts, claim they want to steal all the money from the poor and give it to their rich factory owners. If the Repubs complain about anything related to education, claim they want all the poor children to grow up uneducated and poor. If the Repubs want to spend money on Defense, claim they want to steal money from the poor to give to rich defense contractors. If the Repubs want to ban late term abortions, claim they want to enslave all poor women and forbid birth control. If the Repubs want to fight terrorists inside the US, claim they are using it as an excuse to steal our Civil Liberties. If the Repubs claim Affirmative Action is no longer needed, claim they want to bring back slavery. Never go on the defensive, if a Dem is attacked, respond by accusing a Repub of an even more terrible offense.

Paranoid Conspiracy Theory (PCT)
If you’re going to make a good PCT, you have to do your “homework”, no matter how much that word offends you. Rent, no, go buy every copy of every movie Michael Moore has ever made. Watch them twice. Take notes. Yes, notes. Go watch the Loose Change movie. You may have to go visit the Loose Change Rebuttal website in order to figure out just which PCT is which, due to the sloppy nature of the film and the way all the PCTs get lumped together in one contradictory mass. Try to avoid using PCTs being used by terrorists, you can only blame the Jews for so much before you sound repetitive. Just remember, everything that is bad that happens in the world can be blamed on Jews, Rich, White, Republican, Corporations, Military, United States, Illuminati, or some combination.

Better Off Red.
Socialism is good. Capitalism is bad. Socialism is all people of the world, voluntarily working in harmony and goodness, with common respect and happiness, each being paid a living wage by their fellow workers, producing only products that do not corrupt the environment. Capitalism is the forced subjugation of the poor, forcing them to labor for excessive time in dank dangerous factories in exchange for barely enough money for them to buy the most degrading of necessities from stores controlled by these same rich Capitalists. (Yes, I know that sounds like Communism. Just ignore reality, we are talking about Liberal perceptions.) Our ideas are Progressive. Theirs are throwbacks to a fascist era. Make them sound like they hate the poor, that they steal their money from the poor, that no matter what they suggest, it will crush the poor, women and minorities. Any Evils committed by a good Socialist society were caused by evil Capitalists corrupting the system. (See Paranoid Conspiracy Theory)

Machine-Gun Fuzzy Thoughts.
(A Thousand Points of Blight) : Nobody can fight back correctly if you throw the whole kitchen sink at them, so dig deep in your feelings and go into free-association mode. Using vague language, link a dozen or so Bad Things to your target as rapidly as possible. The theory is to make a maximum of logical jumps and turns using common and general chestnuts like “Bush lied” or “Tax cuts for the rich” or “The war in Iraq was unneeded and bungled” designed to tug at the heartstrings of any good “feeling” liberal while any conservative reader will become confused by the multitude of targets and be unable to reply unless they write a huge multi-page post that nobody will read (like this guide). Use run-on sentences, unsourced quotes, and accuse Republicans of malice or incompetence with regard to anything that can be considered “wrong” and you too can become a national columnist for Vanity Fair. (h/t Tigerhawk

“Special” words.
Use certain special words to help spice up your post. Make it a blame game. Keep track by points.
1 point: Halliburton, Chimp, corrupt, hate, rage, threat, warning, nuclear, global warming, exploit, exclamation points, ALL CAPS, misspellings
2 points: Jewish, conspiracy, Nazi, goose stepping, imperial, Cheney, fascist, unwitting tool, right-wing, crony, illegal war, profanity (any),
5 points: wrong war, wrong time, blood for oil, Christian religious fanatics, tax breaks for the wealthy, peaceful Iranian nuclear power, rush to war, impeach
10 points: Creative compound words such as Bushitler Bushaliberton, McChimpy
10 points: Wild conspiracy theories.

Example Post: “You are such a tool of the faciests, go back to natzi germany and take Bushitler McChimpy with you! The Jewish cruise missiles that destroyed the twin towers were paid for by Hallibertun cronys of Cheany in order to rush to war, making our children pay blood for oil in this illegal war! IMPEACH NOW!!!” = 43 points. Have fun with it. Grade fellow Liberals on their postings (and Link ‘em here).

Follow this guide and I will expect to see a much improved quality of Liberal posting on my blog. Perhaps you too can get your posts into even the most prestigious of Progressive blogs, such as the DailyKOS.