Obamas news conference translated

While listening to the Obama press lecture and Legacy Preservation attempt on March 24, 2009, I noticed some minor sub-text errors that seem to have slipped from his teleprompter. Additions that seem to have been skipped are in red, parts that need to be stricken are in strikethrough. Credit to MMIX of See- BS for the transcript. Caution: This post has been processed on machinery that may have traces of Carter-era peanuts or sarcasm. Exercise caution before reading.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Hello, everybody. Please give me your wallets and have a seat.

Good evening. Before I take a series of fawning questions from the pre-picked campaign workers and correspondents I want to give everyone who’s watching tonight an update a fantasy story on the steps we’re taking to move this economy from to recession to from recovery and ultimately to prosperity abject poverty.

It’s important to remember that this Republican caused crisis didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t result from any one Republican action or Republican decision. It took many years of Democratic rule in the House and Senate and many Pelosi/Reid failures to lead us here, and it will take many months and many different solutions that will change every day depending on the Magic 8-Ball I’m consulting to lead us out. There are no quick fixes, and there are no silver bullets other than cutting Government regulations and wasteful spending, and reducing taxes to something rational, but nobody wants that kind of silly talk other than about two Ron Paul supporters.

That's why we’ve put in place a comprehensive strategy designed to attack this crisis soak the rich and introduce socialism on all fronts. It’s a strategy to create Government jobs, to help irresponsible homeowners, to restart lending to people who could not afford a mortgage if they won the lottery, and to grow our economy Government over the long term. And we're beginning to see signs of progress.

The first step we took was to pass ram through a recovery plan to jumpstart job creation destruction and put money in Government’s people’s pockets. This plan has already saved the jobs of Government teachers and unionized police officers. It's creating union construction jobs to rebuild roads and bridges if they have time after going to AIG protests, and yesterday I met with a man whose company is reopening a factory outside of Pittsburgh that’s rehiring workers to build some of the most energy-efficient windows in the world. And this plan will provide a tax cut to 95 percent of all working families that will appear in people’s paychecks by every April 1st.

The second step we took was to launch a whole series of fuzzy plan to destabilize the housing market and help irresponsible homeowners stay in their homes. This plan plus the fact the Fed has lowered interest rates to the point where we give a toaster to anybody who borrows a twenty, is one reason that mortgage interest rates are now at near-historic lows. We've already seen a jump in refinancing of some functional mortgages, as homeowners take advantage of lower rates, and every American should know that up to 40 percent of all mortgages are now eligible for refinancing provided you have a real job, or any savings, or have a prayer of paying them back, but we’re working on this and should have it fixed by…uh…soon. This is the equivalent of another tax cut which I had nothing to do with, but I’m glad to take credit for it. And we're also beginning to see signs of increased antacid sales and stabilizing home prices because zero is stable, right? Um.. for the first time in a very long time.

The third part of our strategy is to restart the flow of credit to from families and businesses to government to pay off that massive walloping debt. To that end, we've launched a program designed to support take over the market for more affordable auto loans, student loans, and small business loans -- a program that's already securitized more of this lending in the last week than in the last four months combined as people scramble for free money they think we will yank away tomorrow. Which we will. Yesterday, Secretary Geithner announced one of a whole series of thrown together a new plan that will partner government resources with private investment companies that have made contributions to our administration to buy up the assets at way below market prices to ensure profits for these insider companies that are preventing our banks from lending money to insolvent people, which is what got us into this mess in the first place, but this time it will work. Honest.. And we will continue to do whatever is necessary in the weeks ahead to ensure the banks Americans depend on have the money they need to lend even if the economy gets worse.

Finally, the most critical part of our strategy is to ensure that we do not return to an economic cycle of bubble and bust in this country by remaining in the bust part. We know that an economy built on reckless speculation, inflated home prices, and maxed-out credit cards does not create lasting wealth unless you are a Democrat voter, in which case it is OK, we’ll just get you some money from Republicans. It creates the illusion of prosperity, and it's endangered us all my goal.

The budget I submitted to Congress which they promptly expanded with all kinds of stuff they were not able to get past Bush’s Veto will build our economic recovery on a stronger foundation tested and proven in the Former Soviet Union and Red China, so that we don't face another crisis like this 10 or 20 years from now. We invest in the renewable sources of energy that will lead to new Government jobs, new Government businesses, and less dependence on foreign production of domestic oil. We invest in our schools and our unionized teachers so that our children have the skills and mindless dependence on socialist government they need to compete with any workers in the world who are saddled with tax rates similar to ours. We invest in reform Government control that will bring down the cost of health care for families, businesses and our government by eliminating high-cost procedures like surgery and high cost medications like aspirin. And in this budget, we have -- we have to make the tough choices necessary to cut our deficit(*) in half by the end of my first term -- even under the most pessimistic estimates made by hyperactive unicorns on acid.

(*)deficit defined as the most hugest massive amount we could possibly think of, then doubled, and adding Michael Moore’s weight.

At the end of the day, the best way to bring our deficit down in the long run is not with a budget that continues the very same policies that have led to a narrow prosperity and massive debt. It’s with a budget that leads to broad economic growth by moving from an era of borrowing and spending to one where we and avoiding anybody who advises to save and invest.

And that’s why clean energy jobs and businesses will massively increase the cost of doing business do all across America. That’s what a highly skilled unionized workforce can do all across America. That’s what an inefficient government run health care system that controls costs and entitlements like Medicare and Medicaid will do. That’s why this budget is inseparable from this incapable of recovery -- because it is what lays the foundation for a secure and lasting prosperity bankruptcy.

The road to that prosperity is still long, and we will hit your share of bumps and setbacks before it ends. But we must remember that we can get there if we travel that road as one Glorious Socialized nation -- as one people Volk. You know, there was a lot of outrage and finger-pointing that we pushed last week to evade any blame for this disaster, and much of it is understandable. I’m as angry as anybody about those bonuses that we approved of and made sure were written into the bailout that went to some of the very same individuals who brought our financial system to its knees who then failed to kickback the amount we expected -- partly because it's yet another symptom of the culture that led us to this point and partly because these greedy individuals thought they could actually keep the money they earned. Fools.

But one of the most important lessons to learn from this crisis is that our economy only works if we recognize that we’re all in this together Government is the answer, and the only answer-- that we all have responsibilities to each other and to our country. Bankers and executives on Wall Street who do not donate to the Party need to realize that enriching themselves on the taxpayers’ dime their own labor is inexcusable; that the days of outsized rewards and reckless speculation that puts us all at risk from risk taking have to be over.

At the same time, the rest of us can't afford to demonize every investor or entrepreneur who seeks to make a profit. That drive is what has always fueled our prosperity, and it is what will ultimately get these banks lending and our economy moving once more be punished.

Despite my best efforts, We'll recover from this recession, but it will take time, it will take patience, and it will take an understanding that when we all work together give everything to the government, when each of us looks beyond our own short-term interest to the wider set of obligations we have towards each other Socialism -- that's when we succeed; that's when we prosper just like Russia. And that's what is needed right now. So let's look towards the debt-ladden future with a renewed sense of common purpose, a renewed determination, and most importantly, a renewed confidence that a better day will come. And we will tax it.

All right, with that, let me take some pre-screened questions. And I've got a list here on the teleprompter, along with answers. Let's start off with Jennifer Loven, AP....


So, did I get the transcript translation right?

Chinese Underwear

Summary: US unarmed sonar vessel in international waters gets crowded by a number of Chinese ships, supposedly in a game of "chicken" much like the one the Chinese played with that unarmed reconnaissance airplane back in 2001. Only this time nobody bumped into anybody else, but they did get close enough that the US vessel took a fire hose to the Chinese ships, and for some weird reason the Chinese sailors responded by taking off their clothes and running around in their underwear. Which got me wondering. Are Chinese uniforms dry-clean only, so they stripped to avoid ruining their suits? Are they that hard up for showers that they had to get a US ship to hose them down? Were there female sailors on the US ship that they were trying to flirt with?

Took a little bit, but I found the answer to the Chinese underwear question in the Guardian

"In the annals of great naval battles, the contretemps may not rank alongside Trafalgar or Jutland. But it must be a contender for this year's award for naked aggression"

Who says the Brits don't have a sense of humor.